Lets all try to wrap our brains around this one.

I noticed today, in my neglected inbox of mostly dry, horrendously boring science news that something seemed a little ‘off’ about this story. Apparently, researchers at the University at Buffalo have linked the use of malt liquor (your Big Bear, Colt 45, Olde English 800, Magnum, Bull Ice, etc.) to marijuana and other substance abuse among young adults.¹ . In fact, regular users of malt liquor were found to consume an average of 19 joints per week as opposed to an average of 2. And no, marijuana use was not the factor contributing to drinking as most of the participants consumed malt liquor before ever trying marijuana. Scary isn’t it?

Now if we believe in all of the ummm… arguments in favor of criminalizing marijuana (ie. cancer, gateway to heroine, psychosis, stupidity, crime, etc.) including that flawless study I mentioned last time, then this study should be truly revolutionary right? The majority of research suggests that the more marijuana you use, the higher your risk of acquiring one of those horrifying side-effects. Last time I mentioned that heavy marijuana consumption could double your risk of developing schizophrenia! So, by the laws of reason: drinking malt liquor leads to heavy marijuana use and heavy marijuana use leads to dangerous side-effects, therefore… Malt liquor should be easily available and its advertising targeted at young adults.

Sound about right?

Indeed, the famous ‘gateway’ theory of marijuana (ie. if you smoke dope, you’ll probably smoke crack eventually) is of extreme importance here. Yes, many abusers of drugs such as cocaine, heroine, meth, etc. had experience with marijuana first. What is rarely ever mentioned, in the frenzy of major media regurgitating political jargon, is that this ‘gateway’ sequence is almost always started with alcohol or cigarettes - then followed by marijuana² . Why wouldn’t they mention it you ask? Maybe its laziness or stupidity even; most likely they don’t want to get shit on by Budweiser while they’re kissing its gigantic advertising-budget ass.

Luckily there is a silver lining in this twisted shamble of bureaucratic bullshit. Oh yes, perhaps things are not as bad as they immediately appear. Some evidence suggests that marijuana can be used as a treatment for alcohol abuse³ . Not only that, marijuana consumption has been linked with lower alcohol consumption as compared with non-marijuana smokers in Jamaica, where marijuana is often considered accepted⁴ .

So lets let teenage children drink malt liquor. If they do, there is a better chance that they will develop into heavy marijuana smokers. By doing so, they will be less likely to develop into heavy drinkers and may even kick that drinking habit all together. Thus saving thousands of lives every year! In fact, we should start selling Colt 45 in elementary cafeterias for christ’s sake… the earlier the better.

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1. Bradiaza, C. M., Collins, R. L., Vincent, P. C. (June 2007), “Young-Adult Malt Liquor Drinkers : Prediction of Alcohol Problems and Marijuana Use.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors. 28(2): 138-146. [↩]
2. U.S. Congress, Office of Technology Assessment (19940 Technologies for Understanding and Preventing Substance Abuse and Addiction, OTA-EHR-597 (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, September 1994). pg. 74. [↩]
3. Mikuriya, T. D. (April 1970), “An adjunctive therapeutic tool in the treatment of alcoholism.” Medical Times. 98(4): 187-191. [↩]
4. Rubin, V., Comitas, L. (1975), “Ganja in Jamaica: a Medical Anthropological Study of Chronic Marihuana Use“. [↩]