All too often, the case in defense of marijuana is tainted by prejudice, stupidity, and incoherence. In the spirit of political jargon, here’s how to defend your beliefs with more sophisticated wordplay.

Lesson 1 - Deflecting the issue

Q: You think marijuana should be legal? What are you, some kind of pothead?

A: I’ll tell you what I am. I am a firm believer in the philosophical notions of liberty and truth (this might throw off your opponent beyond recovery already). I therefore reject the continuation of a policy that stands in firm contradiction to those notions.

Lesson 2 - Give a little, Take a lot

Q: The truth is that marijuana is a dangerous substance. It causes respiratory illness, psychosis, memory loss, and other problems. How can you possibly call yourself a believer in the truth and deny these facts?

A: I’ll pretend for a moment, that your ‘facts’ are not grossly over-exaggerated and that the scientific support is unquestionable. The truth is that most of these claims are much different than the original reasons for criminalizing marijuana. The lies that it is toxic, creates murderers & heroine addicts, and that it causes permanent psychosis for all users - have long been proven false. If the original reasons for criminalizing it have proven false, there is no longer reason for it to remain criminal.^{1 234}

Lesson 3 - Flipping the Issue; Go on the attack

A: These NEW claims you speak of, pale in comparison to the originals. Should we really ban anything that might increase the risk of common ailments? Should you be put in jail for eating cholesterol?

Lesson 4 - Hardcore logic for weak associations

Q: But marijuana use leads to harder drugs and profits go towards organized crime. How can you possibly support such results?

A: Profits go to organized crime because well, its a crime. If it weren’t a crime, its profits would go elsewhere. Similarly, heroine is a crime. Those people that get heavily involved in marijuana are more likely to get involved with heroine because, the same organized criminals are distributing it. Therefore, marijuana criminalization causes heroine use, not marijuana itself.

Lesson 5 - When all else fails, lie…well

Q: My daughter got into marijuana when she was 16. Today, she’s a crack addict prostituting herself for spare change. Its people like you that allow such things to continue. How do you live with yourself?

A: My grandfather was in the military. He smoked marijuana on a daily basis in order to cope with the stress and trauma, as did many of his fellow soldiers. Without marijuana, the allies would have struggled to defeat the German’s in World War II. I think a world where your daughter is a crack addicted prostitute is more pleasant than a world where each of us is in a slave camp, mutated by genetic experimentation. Don’t you?

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1. You can also suggest that marijuana has medical applications. Here’s some references to get you started: [↩]
2. “We conclude that this CBM [cannabis-based medicine] may represent a useful new agent for treatment of the symptomatic relief of spasticity in MS.” -Christine Collin, MD, et al. “Randomized Controlled Trial of Cannabis-Based Medicine in Spasticity Caused by Multiple Sclerosis”. European Journal of Neurology. Vol. 14, No. 3, Page 290. Mar. 2007. [↩]
3. ”Smoked cannabis was well tolerated and effectively relieved chronic neuropathic pain from HIV-associated sensory neuropathy The findings are comparable to oral drugs used for chronic neuropathic pain.” -Donald I. Abrams, MD et al. “Cannabis in Painful HIV-Associated Sensory Neuropathy: A Randomized Placebo-Controlled Trial”. Neurology. Vol. 68, Pages 515-521. Feb. 2007. [↩]
4. “Treatment with cannabinoids had been shown to reduce the invasiveness of cancer cells, but the cellular mechanisms underlying this effect were unclear.” -Burkhard Hinz, PhD, et. al. “Inhibition of Cancer Cell Invasion by Cannabinoids via Increased Expression of Tissue Inhibitor of Matrix Metalloproteinases-1″. Journal of the National Cancer Institute Vol. 100, Number 1, Page 51. Dec. 25, 2007. [↩]